Moment to Breathe Blog

The world’s worst words of comfort to a mother who has just experienced a traumatic birth

I’m sure you mean well. I’m certain you don’t even realize the pain you are inflicting with these words, spoken to your sister, your friend, your neighbor. However there is nothing more invalidating than hearing phrases like this. They cut deeply to the core of a hurting new mother. Words like this tell her that what she just experienced is irrelevant in light of the fact that her new baby didn’t die in the process, even though a part of her did.

Is it important that the baby was born and is doing well? Yes, it is a blessing beyond measure to hold a thriving newborn. It is also important, though, that Mom is thriving both physically and mentally, so that she can rise to the imminent task of caring for her precious baby.

Let’s all agree to place this phrase in the garbage bin, where it belongs.

Open your heart and mind to the idea that how a woman gives birth is just as meaningful as the fact that she has given birth. The day a woman labors and delivers will be embedded in her mind, for better or for worse, her whole life. Just ask your grandmother about the birth of her babies, if you don’t believe me.  To think that on this day, if she was wounded emotionally, and/or physically that she will relive it over and over, breaks my heart. Women who have experienced traumatic births look back as often as several times a day.  They struggle to gain their confidence back while learning to be a new mother.  It is a concept  worth considering before inadvertently saying something that makes a woman feel less than worthy of respect.

Her Perception is Her Reality

Keep in mind that if a woman perceives she has been mistreated then that is very real for her.  You may not see her birth story in a traumatizing way. Instead of arguing your point of view, try to really listen to her, and validate her feelings. “It sounds like that was really hurtful to you,” can go such a long way to help a mother cope with a disappointing birth.  Words of understanding open the door for her to move through the stages of grief in a way that is healthy for her. An unimpaired mother will begin coping in healthy ways instead of struggling to be seen and heard. When she can do that, it allows her to focus on taking care of her new baby and healing postpartum.

“It sounds like that was really hurtful to you,” can go such a long way to help a mother cope”

Be the one who allows the mother to feel the pain and validate her feelings. You might be the only one who makes her feel seen. You can be sure that she will never forget that it was you who was there for her.

Dear Fathers-to-Be

Rather, why shouldn’t she have a birth doula? She is going to be the mother of your children. You would give her the world on a silver platter. She is your sun and your moon and you want only the best for her, as it should be. The premium support from a professional birth doula offers your love the very best in care while she births her baby. She won’t forget her birth story ever. She will remember how she was cared for and that means that she wants you by her side every step of the way. Be present and ready to help her by having a doula by your side.

Why You Need a Doula

You are the cornerstone of her birth experience and you should have a doula there to ensure you are at your very best.

The help you need during this life-changing event comes from your doula. She will guide you, support you, and help you be the birth partner your spouse will never forget. A doula knows what to do, and when to do it.  You know you need to have it together for her and be strong for her during the birth of your baby.

Hiring a birth doula for your expecting lady will tell her just how much you love and support her.  It will ensure you are everything you need to be for her.  Show her how much you want only the best for her and your baby. By hiring a doula, you are showing her that you are willing and able to provide her with everything she needs. For the big day, hiring a doula should be one of the first steps you make in preparing her and yourself for birth.

What a Doula Can do for You

Available to you before birth

A birth doula can prepare you to know what to expect during labor.  You will know what signs to look for and how to give her support during every stage of labor.  She is ready to answer any questions you may have before labor even begins.  Plus your doula is always available to chat at length about something your provider said or anything else you might not be sure about.

Providing you with support

You may become exhausted doing this.  Your doula is there to give you a break. When you need a nap after several hours of providing birth support during the night, your doula is there for you.  If you realize you haven’t eaten since dinner last night, she can make a quick snack for you or step in for you to run down to the cafeteria.

Reminding you what you know

Some of the many support options you learned in your childbirth classes may slip your mind during this amazing thing happening.  Your doula will remind you of appropriate ways you can be helpful to your lady.

Providing you peace of mind

In addition, if there is a reason the baby needs to go to the nursery, you will find yourself needing to be in two places at once.  Go watch over your new baby with peace of mind that she is in good hands with your doula.

So really, the question should be, why shouldn’t YOU have a doula? You are BOTH worth hiring the kind of professional support that a certified birth doula will offer you. You will be at the top of your game when you hire a doula to support you through the birth of your baby.

Why your labor may stall and what you can do to help it start again.

If you have never had a labor stall, you may not fully understand how frustrating it can be. You thought, “This is it. I’m in labor,” only to realize that your contractions have started slowing and lessening in intensity or worse: fizzled out completely. You were so sure that it was time to get down to the business of birthing your baby, who, by the way, needs to come out so you can finally meet your precious little joy and also so he will stop using your bladder as a trampoline day and night. You are just ready to do it. The waiting has already been almost unbearable both physically and emotionally. What happened? How can you get labor to pick up again and really progress?

“You were so sure that it was time to get down to the business of birthing your baby”

Why did labor slow down or stop? Did you do something wrong, or were you simply wrong in thinking it was really labor?

First of all, labor is different for every birth, even for the same woman. Additionally birth can be unpredictable, so what you are feeling now doesn’t mean that you weren’t feeling what you were feeling then.

Labor stalls for a few reasons. It could be that your contractions are too weak to be effective or you may be harboring fear.  Exhaustion and dehydration can play a part in stalling labor too. A more serious problem can be that the baby’s head is poorly fitting through the pelvis, in which case the following measures will be ineffective. Only time can tell if your stalled labor is truly problematic. You will need to contact your care provider for further instruction.  While you wait, you can try these ideas to attempt to get labor going again with little to no risk.

Tools in Your Tool Bag

Once you realize that your labor has stalled, there are several things you can do to get things going again. First of all, think positive: you have not done anything wrong. Your body needs you to remain positive out the gate. As you stay positive, find ways to get moving.

Walking and Dancing

Walking and dancing can really help get things moving along again.  Go for a walk around your house or your neighborhood.  Don’t go too far in case labor picks up quickly.  If you like to dance, put on your favorite jams and have fun.  Feeling good and laughing are wonderful, whether you are in labor or not, so have a blast.

Kissing

Kissing is another fun way to bring on the love hormone, oxytocin. I really like this no risk intervention, because it gives you a sense of well being on top of helping labor to begin again. It’s difficult to make out with your loved on and continue being It also gives the birth partner something helpful to do that he is good at.

Nipple Stimulation

Additionally, nipple stimulation can also bring on stronger contractions.   Nipple stimulation simulates the baby latching, which incidentally will cause your uterus to contract after birth too. You can do it yourself, your partner can do it for you, or you can use an electric breast pump. The colostrum you collect can be spoon fed to the baby for an extra post birth boost.

Sex with Orgasm

Another trick in the tool bag is sex. Yes, you heard me right. Having sex, particularly with orgasm produces both oxytocin which brings on contractions and prostaglandins that are hormone-like substances that help the cervix thin; these are the hormones that can and hopefully will restart your labor contractions. Semen also contains prostaglandins. So having some alone time with your partner is a very low risk, fun way to try to get things going again. It may be the last time you and your partner get to have sex before you put an “out of order” sign on your vagina for a long while, so try to forget that you are trying to restart labor and enjoy the moment.

In conclusion

These are all things you can do on your own that are low or no risk. But unlike the mother trying to start labor from the beginning, you are going to be on a time limit before your care provider may become uneasy and want to do a medical induction. Your provider may want to try breaking your bag of waters and/or start you on pitocin, a drug given intravenously that brings on very strong contractions. Though you may end up choosing these interventions, trying these ideas first can avoid such measures, give you a sense of content about your own participation in your labor and help you decide what is best for your own labor and delivery.

The challenges of breastfeeding a newborn

Just in case no one has told you: breastfeeding is hard. It may not strike you as difficult until you are holding your brand new baby. You then realize that after everything you’ve read and thought you knew, amount to the fact that you have no idea what you are doing. I’ve been there. More than once actually. There I was, holding a new baby who’s survival depends completely on me. I don’t know how to get them to latch or even if they are getting enough to eat. How can you even tell how much milk they are getting? There were so many questions surrounding breastfeeding a baby and so much that seemed out of my control. I felt inadequate for the job, even though just days earlier I had it all figured out. But the great news is that there is help to be found.

“The very best advice anyone has ever given me was to find support where you can find it.”

There will always be naysayers and people that feel the need to push their own agenda on you, especially when it comes to your baby. But there are helpful people too. And these are the ones you must seek out.  Their understanding, validation, and advice could be the very thing that gets you through the hardest days.

There are communities near you that will support you. Every step of the way they will be there for you. Additionally you can find groups on Facebook and by contacting your local hospital for the La Leche League nearest to you. The La Leche League is a wonderful international organization that hooks up local breastfeeding experts with nursing mothers in their area. Get plugged into them and go to their meetups. Not only do they have sound, practical advice for you, but it is a great place to meet other mothers in the same walk of life as you.

Sometimes support can come from places you would not expect, like in a book. So, find good literature to fill your head with. You will be spending a lot of time nursing, so get your hands on some good reads. “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” by La Leche League International and “The New Mothers’ Guide to Breastfeeding” by The American Academy of Pediatrics are two excellent books to read while nursing and sipping down that 8oz. of water.

Never Underestimate the Power of Support

Lactation consultants are on staff at many hospitals. They can be a bit pricey but they are well trained in all kinds of breastfeeding issues, including very difficult ones.  They are worth the price.  The support that I got from my LC was so amazing. It was a daily thing for a while, talking with her. She was enthusiastic that I would succeed.  Her belief in me was instrumental in our breastfeeding journey.  She recommended using a nipple shield to help him latch, and for me to pump in between feedings to increase my milk production.  All of her advice was evidence based.

If I can be honest with you, there are some truly painful parts of my breastfeeding journey.  There are things I still struggle to talk about and things that still deeply saddened me. Though I was unable to exclusively breastfeed any of them, I did get to breastfeed all four of my children as long as I could. One of my children, I had the privilege to nurse for 23 months! Both of these feats would not be possible without the amazing support I received from my husband, my birth circle group, breastfeeding/mommy friends and my lactation consultant.

So again, I say find the support wherever you can get it. Encouragement alone can get you through those long nights and milk soaked shirts. Please be encouraged to find your tribe. They are out there, and they are worth looking for.