10 Things that are on my mind during a birth consult.
Have you ever wondered what a doula was really thinking during a consult with her? Has it occurred to you to wonder what else a doula might be juggling before, during or after your meeting? I’d like to share a few of my thoughts that are going through my head while meeting with potential clients. First off, I am not every doula; I’m only me. What is going on in my head is all I can speak on. I am not the highest paid, the one with the most experience, or the most well known doula; but. I am a deeply empathetic doula, who knows birth, and who believes in respect for women. I hope this brings insight to you about my world and who I am, as a doula, as a person.
1. On the way to your consult I am probably on the phone.
I have my GPS pulled up telling me how to get to your home. I’m messaging my teenager a few last instructions I forgot to mention about running the home and babysitting my younger children. I may text another doula friend about something that I was wondering might come up in our meeting that I wasn’t entirely sure about. My phone may ring and it is a client whose wondering if her cramping could be “the real thing” and we might chat on speaker phone, so I can still navigate to your home, of course. I message my husband, telling him dinner is in the crock pot for when we both get home. I feel excited to meet you and also nervous because meeting new people is exciting and nerve racking.
2. Once I get to you house, I’m the most nervous.
I pray that this is the right one as I walk up to your house and ring the doorbell.
Then you open the door and I see a lovely, smiling obviously pregnant person who is expecting me. All the nervousness immediately goes away and I am totally filled with excitement about your upcoming birth.
First of all, I want you to know that I am not here to be served. I am here to serve. You don’t need to do much for me. Simply show me where you would like to sit while we talk. I can tell that you went to a lot of trouble to prepare for my visit: the house is spotless and quiet despite you having 2 other kids. You make a tray of cookies and a pitcher of lemonade and so I pour us both a glass. I am going to ask if you are comfortable and if there is anything you need before we start; do you need to run to the restroom? After all, when you are expecting, often times you have to pee. A lot.
3. I want to know more about you.
I’m interested to know what you want. I understand what you are feeling and experiencing on a personal level. Pregnancy can fell awful and wonderful, often at the same time. I know so many things about pregnancy and birth and I can’t wait to share them with you. I literally want to be your best friend and support you in the ways I’ve been trained. Let’s use all my knowledge and experience to your advantage. It’s my pleasure to meet your puppy/kitty/ferret/fish and your partner/spouse so we can be friends too.
4. I want you to know that I am qualified to be there for you.
It is my desire that you know you can trust me. I wish the best for you which is you feeling validated every step of the way. Know that if you want a different birth than I would want for myself, that is okay with me. It’s okay that we are different. I need you to know that no matter what you want, I’m there to support you. I’m a professional and that’s what professional care looks like.
5. I am afraid to offend you.
Also, in my brain, I am hoping that I don’t say something that is inappropriate. I am a people pleaser by nature and as a person who talks to women for a living, I know something can be said that comes across wrong. It is my deepest desire to keep things right between us, because I want us to be friends.
6. I am comfortable in your home.
I can tell right away that your home is your hub: the center of the goings on in your life. It is lived in and cozy and I promise, if there is a mess, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. If the kids are noisy, it doesn’t phase me. If your dog wants to camp out on my lap during our time together, I’ll pet him while we talk. My home is the hub in my life too. My home is lived in, cozy, messy, loud and intruding. And that is wonderful.
7. I am hopeful you feel safe around me.
My purpose as a doula is to create calm and safety for my clients. I wish for you to be yourself around me and for you to feel like you can be honest with me. It is my hope that you feel heard and respected when you are speaking with me, because that feeling will be very important when it comes time for you to give birth. I may ask questions about whether the people attending your birth make you feel valued, and validated. I really want to be one of those people for you, because feeling safe and relaxed in labor is so important for mother and baby.
8. I am not distracted from you.
I hear you because I am a good listener. Understanding you is something I’m pretty good at. There is nothing else on my mind except making sure that I can repeat back to you what I hear you saying. That way, if I misunderstand, you can correct me. I’m not thinking of stopping by the store later, or my next appointment. I’m not wondering if I cut off the coffee pot or even how my own children are doing with the sitter.
What you are saying, is what I am focused on. That and also what you are not saying. I can see you starting to relax around me, or if you are still staying guarded. I sense you feeling nervous with your mother-in-law who invited herself to our meeting. You are excited about your best friend flying in for a visit before the baby comes, so I’m excited too. I feel your heart’s desire for a natural birth/planned cesarean section/epidural and I wish that for you so much. I want to protect that desire and see it come to fruition.
9. I am not shocked by anything you say.
I have seen and heard many things since deciding to be a birth worker. The differences in birth preferences is vast and varied. It honestly doesn’t throw me when you tell me you wish to bottle feed your baby. You won’t surprise me when you say you wish to labor long enough to feel like you “felt labor” and then you want an epidural. I have seen a client be adamant about her baby not wearing a hat after birth or receiving a bath. I’ve heard of women doing a lotus birth, leaving the placenta attached until it naturally falls off. I’ve stood with clients when they joyfully prepare for their cesarean birth. I watched clients get their victory VBAC or get the water birth they so desired.
Nothing you say will offend me or create a feeling of judgement in me. I do not wish to be judged for the choices I make and I certainly don’t want to make another mother feel judged by me. If your choices are different than the ones I would make, that is okay with me. I will support your choices for your birth of your baby. None of this is about me and there is no room for judgement from me in our relationship. There is only room for welcoming warmth, acceptance, support.
10. I am glad we spent this time together.
As we wrap things up and I head to the door, I feel thankful for the opportunity to talk to you. Will we get to talk again, soon? I am looking forward to serving you and your wonderful family. There is so much more I’d like to tell you about birth and I want to learn more about what you want from your birth. I wish for you to get a better night’s sleep tonight, though I know it is difficult. My desire is that you feel like I’ve heard your heart today. My goal is that you feel more confident about your birth because you talked to me. I hope you found the support you were looking for in me, and are excited for your upcoming birth.
