It was way back in the beginning, before I was the person I am today.
I remember it so well though; the first time I heard a mother say she preferred birthing via cesarean section. I was standing in a friend’s yard, surrounded by used trinkets and baby items as people were shopping our “multi-family” yard sale together.
She said she “could not imagine giving birth any other way”. I was taken aback. As a new doula at the time, I listened while smiling and used general terms like, “that is so interesting” and “So that works for you?” But I turned to my doula friends after she left and we were all shocked that she had said that. We spoke of how sorry we were that she didn’t get a chance to have the “beautiful birth” that we got to have. If she only knew how wonderful and empowering our births were while we labored at home with our amazing midwife and doulas. Poor thing. She could have had such an amazing experience where her choices were supported. Poor, poor mama.
Did you catch that? We were judging her for her choices.
Without realizing it, we judged her because the choices she made (and stood by, by the way) were different than our choices. Even as doulas, we didn’t get it.
Let me back up a little more.
I had just had my first home birth a year and a half prior and I was due for my second home birth in the next four months. There is not a single moment in my life more empowering than my first home birth, where my midwife, my doulas, and my family rallied around me to support every decision I made during my pregnancy and birth. I would go on to have another successful home birth where my choices were honored. Before that birth, i.e. when I spoke with this mother, I had a fear of needing a cesarean. It was not a trivial fear. It was a fear that kept me awake at night and haunted my dreams. Based on my fear of being out-of-control, it was something I had to come to terms with before I entered the birth space.
So to hear a woman express preference to something that absolutely terrified me, I felt that, obviously, she was traumatized or maybe even crazy. She definitely could NOT have KNOWN there was a “better” way. At least in my narrow little view of what birth is supposed to be like.
Maternal Elective Cesareans are on the Rise
The fact is that an estimated 2.5% of births in the US are maternal elective cesareans. Compare that to the 1.5% of births in the US that are home births. There are almost twice the amount of elective cesareans as home births. That is a huge difference when considering, that isn’t counting how many recommended cesareans women might still prefer. They don’t want a VBAC. They want a cesarean and they don’t want to be judged for it. Nor do they need to be given resources that support anything other than that. We’ve got to progress beyond our small thinking (especially doulas) and get back to supporting women. Can you see a world where a woman wants to birth her way, and is met with positivity and acceptance? That is when a doula is at her best and mothers become empowered.
Flash forward to the present.
Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with a mom and friend who is expecting her 3rd baby this fall. She was telling me that she, too, preferred a cesarean over vaginal delivery. She had experienced both and she thought her cesarean went more smoothly than her first birth. I smiled and listened to her. Truly understanding her, I now “get it”. Her choice to birth via cesarean was a decision I could support her in because her preference matters. After all, it’s her birth. It’s not my birth or my decision to make. It is neither my place nor my desire to judge her for making the decisions that work best for her. Her “beautiful” birth simply looks different than mine, and that is not only okay, it’s wonderful.
It’s bigger than us.
It is my job as a doula to get behind a woman when she knows what she wants. Is it my job to provide resources and education to women who ask for guidance? Yes it is. I am fully equipped to do so. But not when a person looks me in the eyes and lets me know what works for them. I will look you right back in the eyes and ask you, “Awesome. How can I support you in that?” And I will mean it from the bottom of my heart.
So now, as a seasoned doula, when a client tells me what she wishes for her birth, I am ready to come alongside her in making that happen. Because when I can support YOUR choices, whatever they may be, I am supporting women everywhere being heard and respected. And that is big. It is so much bigger than either of us.
“They don’t want a VBAC. They want a cesarean and they don’t want to be judged”