To Wait or Not To Wait

That is the question.

Just between you and me, congratulations!  Whether this is your very first baby, or another sweet addition to your your large, growing family, finding out you are expecting is a lot.  You may feel shocked, overwhelmed, nervous, sad, guilty, let down, or annoyed.  Or you may feel excited, joyful, explosive, warm, thoughtful, grateful, emotional, clingy, confused and more.  You might even feel all of these things at the exact same time.

When I found out I was expecting my last baby, I remember pacing the house back and forth, back and forth, not knowing what to do next.  It was unexpected to be expecting and I could not process one emotion from another.  To this day I cannot tell you what I was feeling.  And that is okay, and normal, if that is you.

Another pregnancy, I could not stop smiling for days.  I was filled to the brim with joy because I was carrying a living being inside me.  If that is you, I silently celebrate with you.

I was so disappointed, mourning one of my pregnancies for months. I could not accept that I was to have another baby.  If this is you, there are pregnancy centers that can comfort you and help you.  I identify with you so deeply.  You are not a bad person for feeling this way.  It is okay to feel like you don’t want to be pregnant and have a baby.

All of these reactions were different and yet, many of the same questions were going through my head.

Thinking about Thinking about Thinking

There are so many things to think about, and you are trying to think about them all at the same time.  Things that could be going through your head right now:

• thoughts about what having a child will be like,
• thoughts about labor and birth,
• thoughts about what you need to start doing to get ready,
• thoughts about calling your ob/gyn or midwife,
• thoughts aimed straight through your heartstrings toward your womb.
• thoughts about money

One of those thoughts that is probably running through your mind is whom should you tell and when.  The answer to this question is not simple, since it is completely different for every person and every pregnancy.

The First to Know

The first person to know should be your partner.  As long as you feel safe to tell them, they need to know fairly quickly that you are expecting their baby.  Their reaction, just like yours, can be anywhere from joy to anger.  They, too, may be overwhelmed or excited, so try to give them a little space to process this big news.

The next person/people to know should be your care provider, whomever you choose.  Whether you are going to use a midwife or an ob/gyn, you will need to schedule an appointment with them to verify your pregnancy.  They will let your insurance know, if applicable, and begin to schedule your lab tests and scheduled well visits.

Who else?

Beyond these two, who you tell and when is totally up to you.  Things you should think about:

• if those you choose to tell are on your social media platforms
• if they have a history of keeping quiet when they are supposed to
• if they will be hurt if you wait to tell them
• if they will get over it
• if you are comfortable with them knowing
• if you are comforted by them knowing
• if it is practical for them to know

Sometimes proud grandparents can spill the beans way earlier than you intended everyone to know.  Grandparents can also feel left out if you wait to share your news, but they will be the first to get over that.  Besties may let it slip on Instagram or Facebook and then the word is out.  Make your choices carefully.  The answers are different for everyone and there is no right answer here.

To Wait

Many new parents choose to wait until 16 weeks to publicly announce their pregnancy due to fear of miscarriage, superstition, or desire for privacy. If you choose to wait, be prepared for there to be mild offense once you do announce.   Not uncommonly,  those close to you may be upset that you withheld your news from them.  They should quickly get over it in lieu of celebrating and now being up to speed.

Or Not to Wait

Some people are ready to announce pregnancy right away to all.  That is okay too.  The reasons people like to begin announcing early on include

• excitement,
• desire for prayer,
• excitement,
• inability to keep a secret,
• excitement,
• desire to be doted on,
• or simply not seeing the prudence in waiting to announce.

All of these are valid points.  If you are in this group, then tell the world, loud and proud.  Remember, it’s your call.

An Important Point for Waiting

Medically, you may wish to delay telling everyone simply because the first trimester is the highest risk of miscarriage.  While miscarrying is heart wrenching, having to telling every Tom, Dick and Harry that you have miscarried is a horrible experience you have to relive repeatedly.  If you are a high risk of miscarriage or it seems wise to you to wait until after the first trimester, you can wait to announce.

A Compromise

If you are really ready to tell your loved ones your good news, and yet you still see the benefit of waiting until you are past the highest risk of miscarriage, you can tell your closest friends and family.  Let them know you are with holding announcing until your second trimester.  It is acceptable that they should keep your business, that you lovingly shared with them, quiet for your benefit.

Making the Call

The very cool thing about telling others that you are expecting is that it is one of the very first decisions you will make as your baby’s parent.  It will be one of the first decisions you make in a long line of choices you will make for the good of your little one.  Discuss it with your partner and with your care provider and then you get to make the call.  Best wishes for you as you navigate this important question for your family. And again, congrats to you!